japanesedream_72: (Default)
In the John Waters movie “Serial Mom”, there is a scene in which Kathleen Turner’s family realises she has left the house & thinks she is on her way to kill her son’s sex-addict friend. She’s really offing the couple who mocked her dentist husband (& gets further angered when she sees them eating chicken, considering her love for the little migrating birds she watches from her window every morning), but that’s beside the point. What I’m getting at is that when they bust into the son’s friend’s house, they find him engaging in an act of self-love inspired by one Chesty Morgan, & her movie “Double Agent 73” (http://imdb.com/title/tt0071437/).

A group of men, one of whom has a large birthmark on his face, are sitting around playing cards & such. Another gentleman, later identified as secret agent #99, sneaks in & begins hurriedly snooping around. At last, he finds what he’s been looking for - a hidden roll of microfilm. He swipes it & leaves, but is pursued, & gets bopped on the head. A shadowy figure, addressed by the others as Mr. Toplar, tells them to “get rid of him”.

Toplar’s guys take Agent 99 outside & try to put him in the trunk of their car. He fights them off & escapes. But as he’s running away, they strike him down with the car & drag him off the road. Someone finds him & asks who did this to him. With his dying breath, he says, “Toplar...scar,” & then collapses.

Cut to a beachy resort, where the vacationing Agent 73, Jane Genet (Chesty), is lounging. This is where we are first shown her incredible figure, including a lingering shot of her legs (after she’s removed her chunky platform shoes) & the first of many (many, many) tight close-ups of her magnificent bosom. (If you haven’t checked out the link, these mammoth mammaries are 73 double-F’s - likely giving rise to the film’s title.) Jane soon gets a call from her boss, Bill. He tells her she’ll have to cut short her holiday & fly to New York. Though she’s terribly angry about this, she consents, & meets with Bill (who makes rather pointed use of the word “imperative” throughout the film) to learn the details.

Seems there’s a heroin ring being headed by Toplar. But the good guys can’t catch him because they don’t know what he looks like (except for 99’s revelation that he has a scar). They do know that he’s got agents everywhere, some of which may even have infiltrated the agency Bill & Jane work for. The only concrete information they have are the names & addresses of a handful of Toplar’s informants & underlings, who are posing as legitimate businessmen. Jane’s assignment is to get as close as she can to these people (she is given a list), take them out if necessary, & photograph them & any documents she comes across. The goal is to get to Toplar & identify him.

But there’s a catch. She can’t take the pics with just any old camera. She’s given the use of the state-of-the-art, pressure-sensitive XL-17 model...which is implanted in one of her boobs. Bill warns her not to trust anyone, & gives her strict orders (for reasons I cannot divulge - but trust me, it’s way out there) to be back by March 11 at 10 pm. Beyond that, anything goes.

Taking heed of Bill’s advice, Jane is suspicious of the nurse in the recovery room after the implant surgery. Turns out her instincts are right, & she’d been dealing with one of Toplar’s associates. She ends up strangling the nurse & taking her photo by shifting one breast upward with her hand, thus enabling the camera to work.

Jane receives a coded message directing her to a club (an absolutely swingin’ place, in that wonderfully bad 70s way) where Mark Chiaro, another of Toplar’s guys, hangs out. She shares a drink with Mark & later blows the lock on the door to his hotel room with plastic explosive, & rifles through his things. Off comes the blouse, & she’s taking pics of all his papers. When he catches her, we find out those enormous breasts aren’t just for looks or cameras - they double as weaponry! She fwaps him in the face with one, inadvertently snapping his photo, & runs off whilst he’s down & dazed. But he’s soon up again, & this leads to a high-speed chase in some nifty 1970s cars.

Unfortunately, Jane gets caught & driven somewhere (it’s not really made clear where). Mark tells her to get out of the car, which she does. But she’s left a tiny explosive device in the vehicle...

Igor, the bad guy with the birthmark, gets a call - Mr. Toplar’s not at all pleased that there’s a woman making short work of all his men, & he wants her rubbed out. He doesn’t know who she is or what she looks like, but he knows roughly where she can be found. So Igor calls his pal Dimitri in to do the job.

Around this time, a friend of Jane’s comes over to spend a couple nights, & says she has something important she wants to talk to Jane about. Jane excuses herself to run some errands, & receives another coded message instructing her to meet a fellow agent, Atlantis 7, at the zoo at 3 pm. Meanwhile, Jane’s friend is taking a shower when Dimitri shows up & he, of course, mistakes her for Jane. What follows is a low-budget homage to (or perhaps rip-off of) “Psycho”, after which Jane returns to find her friend dead &, with no other recourse, goes to the zoo, where Atlantis 7 tells Jane he’s been sent by the boss to look after her.

As Jane continues on her mission to bump off the bad guys, & Atlantis 7 finds himself falling in love with Jane, Toplar & his gang finally figure out they’ve killed the wrong woman. So they decide to try again. Igor gets on to Dimitri, threatening, with a completely dead-pan delivery, “You’d better not muff it up this time, or it’s curtains for you.”

Okay, let’s be honest here. The storyline & characters of “Double Agent 73” (one of two Chesty Morgan movies directed by the late Doris Wishman) are a total afterthought. While the scenes in which Jane murders the members of Toplar’s syndicate are kind of a hoot (especially the one involving the poisoned boobie), & there are lots of humorous moments (bad clothes, bad lines, dizzying breast shots, & Atlantis 7 - who can pull off hammy & cheezy & a little bit corny, all at the same time), most people probably won’t care whether Toplar gets brought down or not. We all know this thing is just a vehicle for Chesty Morgan to get naked from the waist up & show off those freakishly huge assets of hers. They obviously don’t call the woman “Chesty” for nothing, & her bosom - which has made Ms. Morgan a cult icon - is as much the star of the picture as she is.

That’s not to say “Double Agent 73” isn’t a good movie. It may be a no-brainer, but it’s actually a whole lot of fun, particularly if you’re in the mood for campy, culty, low-budget, large-breasted, no-thought-necessary-but-suspend-your-disbelief-anyway sort of stuff. Though I guarantee you’ll spend less time trying to follow the plot & more time wondering how Chesty manages to get any sleep, or how she can function without the constant aid of a chiropractor.

I stole this from a couple people... )
japanesedream_72: (Default)
“This film really appeals to my sensibilities!”

That’s what I wrote whilst taking notes about a funky little box-set acquisition called “Baba Yaga”, here re-titled “Kiss Me, Kill Me” (http://imdb.com/title/tt0069753/). Beware: there is another movie bearing the English title “Kiss Me, Kill Me”, an Umberto Lenzi flick starring Erika Blanc. But this isn’t it.

Based on a 1960s S&M comic by Guido Crepax (http://www.jahsonic.com/Valentina.html), in conjunction with a figure from Slavic mythology, the film opens with classy comic book-ish images & some very groovy music during the opening titles, inter-cut with chic photographers & models at a party. Lounging around looking very haute couture & fairly decadent, they reference obscure art films like “Pierot Le Fou” (later, we’ll see someone watching “The Golem” at a German Expressionist retrospective!) & philosophise in their semi-pretentious, pseudo-intellectual way (my favourite line is, “Even Snoopy, in his own way, is anti-establishment”).

One of the photographers, Valentina (Isabelle De Funes), declines a ride home from her friends after the soiree, preferring to walk the streets of Milan at 3 in the morning. She finds a dog whimpering in the road, & ends up saving it from being run over by a large, black car. The driver is a pretty, elegant woman in black who introduces herself as Baba Yaga (Carroll Baker), & insists on taking Valentina home. On the way, Baba Yaga speaks in cryptic tones about her meeting with Valentina being pre-ordained, & knows the way to Valentina’s place without being given the address. When they arrive, she rips off one of Valentina’s garters, saying she needs a personal item from Valentina, but will return it.

Despite a troubled sleep in which Valentina is haunted by strange dreams about nudity & Nazis, she shoots a photo session the next morning with her model friend, Toni. Afterward, Baba Yaga shows up to give back the garter. Valentina asks her about the whole “pre-ordained” thing, but Baba Yaga says it’s too soon for her to know. She takes an interest in Valentina’s camera - “the eye that freezes reality” - & invites Valentina to her house, though one senses a darker tone beneath the request.

Later on, Valentina gets a call from her more-than-friend, Arno (George Eastman), a cameraman who shoots strange (but cheezy) commercials. She brings her camera with her, hoping to get a behind-the-scenes photo or two. But when she tries taking a picture, Arno’s camera completely jams up. When Arno takes Valentina home & pops up to her place for a drink, Baba Yaga is parked across the street, watching.

I gotta tell ya - normally, I dislike - dare I say, even loathe - sex scenes. I find that most of the time, they’re gratuitous, having no relevance to the story whatsoever, & sometimes they come off as a little vulgar. But this movie has what must be the greatest non-sex sex scene ever committed to film!

Toni comes back for another photo shoot (note that one of her costumes is 'half-naked cowgirl'; I found this amusing because it’s the picture used on the main menu of the DVD), but when Valentina takes the first shot, Toni collapses. She isn’t dead, but she has to lie down for a while before Valentina & Arno send her home by taxi.

Valentina goes to Baba Yaga’s huge old house, telling Baba Yaga she has to photograph some jewelry & would like to use some of the rooms as backdrops. Baba Yaga says fine, & admires the touch & sounds of the necklaces Valentina’s working with. Valentina takes her shots...

At one point, Valentina steps on a spot on the rug, & nearly falls through the floor. What she finds under the carpet is a bottomless pit (she drops something in & we never hear it hit anything). “Don’t worry about the hole,” Baba Yaga says. “That part of the house needs some repairs.” She then suggests Valentina photograph some of the interesting relics in the attic.

After a near-orgasmic moment with a pair of gloves, accompanied by memory flashes & strange, photographic visions, Baba Yaga gives Valentina the dominatrix doll (yes, you read that right) that sits watchfully in the attic. Her name is Annette, & Baba Yaga tells Valentina, “She will protect you.”

But what does she need protection from? And why, when she uses her camera, do the subjects of her photographs collapse? What are pictures of Annette as a real woman doing on Valentina’s roll of film? Why does Valentina have these weird Nazi dreams? Is Arno right in his assumption that Baba Yaga has a lesbianic interest in Valentina? Just who is Baba Yaga, anyway, & why does she begin promising Valentina riches & power & the knowledge of cosmic secrets? Is the bottomless pit in Baba Yaga’s house really a portal to Hell?

Sadly, many of these questions remain unanswered when the credits roll. But it almost doesn’t matter. “Baba Yaga” (or whatever title you see it under) is a weirdly cool Italian horror flick - sleek, stylish, original, & very, very artsy. Atmospherically, it absolutely screams 60s/70s, but the lesbian/feminist undertones & overt sado-masochistic touches (we’re talking whips, chains, & shackles here, people!) give it an extra dose of subversive edginess that helps distinguish it from its genre & era counterparts.

Swiped this from [livejournal.com profile] planetcrush:

I asked the magic cactus,
what is the meaning of life?
Um, well..., that really depends how you look at it, doesn't it.

reality subversion @ www.irreality.net
japanesedream_72: (robot chick)
Hot female vampire action with lots of blood & black feathers...sounds like an awesome movie, right? Well, on my copy of “Devil’s Nightmare” (http://imdb.com/title/tt0067592/), that’s just the logo for the production company!

Redemption Films (http://www.redemptiontv.com/x/movies.html) decided to open with a fanged black angel surrounded by scantily-clad “cannibal sisters” & a chick with bat wings, all writhing & chomping & salivating & bleeding every which way. The angel serves as hostess, in the vein (no pun intended...well, maybe a little) of Vampira, Elvira, & Zacherley. After an intro & some text cards telling us about the film & noting a factoid on its star, she launches into a brief history of cannibal movies (in which she describes several actresses as “lickable”), even though “Devil’s Nightmare” is not a cannibal flick...though she does mention a few classics, including the once-banned “Cannibal Ferox”!

But enough about the super-cool prelude. On to our feature, a clever little tongue-in-cheek number that’s sort of “The Real World” meets “Clue” meets “Seven”, with a supernatural twist a la “Faust”. Seven strangers, each representing one of the seven deadly sins, are on a guided tour of Germany. Reaching their destination is taking longer than expected, so they ask a creepy guy burning brush in a field if there’s a hotel nearby. He says no, but Baron von Rhoneberg over at the nearby castle might be able to put them up for the night.

The Baron is the descendant of a World War II general, whom we see at the beginning of the film. This original Baron von Rhoneberg waits tensely as his weak-hearted wife gives birth in the next room while the bombs are dropping outside. She dies in the process, & when the Baron discovers he has a daughter instead of a son, he stabs the infant to death. (No, it isn’t what you’re thinking, & yes, it will make sense later.)

After a campy song & the opening credits sequence (the film is an Italian-Belgian collaboration, thus the French title on the IMDB listing & the Italian title on the actual DVD),we see the present-day Baron talking to a reporter about his ancestors living under a curse. However, he refuses to allow her to photograph the house. Soon enough, though, she’s outside the place snapping pictures left & right. An arrow suddenly pierces the tire of her car. She runs, screaming, & falls...

The reporter’s body is found, & the townsfolk say she perished from a heart attack brought on by fear. There is an odd mark on her neck - “the mark of the devil” - & there is talk of a succubus.

It is at this point that we are introduced to our group, who find accommodation at the Baron’s home. In fact, the Baron’s butler, Hans (a dead-ringer for, & namesake of, the original Baron’s second-in-command), says a woman phoned to let him know the group was coming. She even gave him their names. However, as I don’t recall all the characters’ names, I’ll address them by sin.

Gluttony, the bus driver/tour guide, hides food in his suitcase & sneaks a snack at every possible opportunity. Lust is a pretty bisexual red-headed woman who has a vested interest (translation: groovy lesbian scene) in Sloth, a perpetually sleepy but totally adorable blonde with the creamiest skin ever (Shirley Corrigan, last seen hanging out with Paul Naschy in “Dr. Jekyll vs. The Werewolf”, if memory serves), yet is also seen getting it on later with Mr. Envy-Greed. Mrs. Envy-Greed can’t wait to point out how she watched him drooling over Lust, & thinks he only married her for her money. Though she is jealous of Lust for having such an effect on her husband, she seems even more interested in the Baron’s attempts at alchemy, & the riches he may or may not be concealing in his big, old house. Wrath is a bit of a curmudgeon, a crabby old so & so who complains non-stop about everything. Father Pride, the last of the bunch, is actually a priest-in-training, a seminary student. Can a priest embody pride, you ask? Aren’t they supposed to relinquish such thoughts when they become men of the cloth?

Well, that’s the clever bit. Or, at least, part of it.

Strangeness permeates the house. Bits of the ornate trim-work fall off, nearly crashing onto someone’s head. Doors shut of their own volition. Each room seems to have been the scene of some horrible occurrence or another, according to Hans - people found with their throats slit, fatal exorcisms, deadly accidents. And that succubus the townsfolk were talking about earlier finally shows up...

Her name’s Lisa (& she’s played by Erika Blanc - http://www.federicomancosu.com/forfun/foto2/ERIKA_BLANC.jpg - who had, apparently, made the rounds of European Gothic horror flicks in the 60s, considering she’s in 3 films on the same box set), though at first, no one knows what she is (however, she’s immediately recognised by Martha, the Baron’s maid, & not in a good way). During dinner, someone asks the Baron about his fabled family curse, & he tells how the original Baron sold his soul to the devil. The first daughter of each generation had to serve the devil as a succubus.

For those who are unaware, I quote from the Wikipedia definition (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Succubus): “In medieval legend, a succubus (plural succubi; from Latin succubare, "to lie under") is a female demon which seduces men (especially monks) in dreams to have sexual intercourse. They draw energy from the men to sustain themselves, often until the point of exhaustion or death.” (Warning: anyone seriously affected by grammatical errors will cringe at the numerous references in this movie to “succubuses”! Not sure if that’s a writing fault or a dubbing thing, but it’s a constant source of annoyance.)

Anywho, the fun begins as Lisa (in an uber-sexy outfit) reveals herself & begins to tempt the travelers, offing them one by one. Now anyone who’s read some of my old writings may remember that I had a succubus of my own. But whereas my girl, Eva, was, in the most traditional sense of the legend, purely sexual, I failed to take into account that desire - an important part of the succubus’ nature - is not always carnal.

“Devil’s Nightmare” is one of those nifty little gems that go largely undiscovered until people start buying DVD box sets like this one (http://www.navarre.com/prodhome.aspx?ItemNumber=2085247&Prod=video). With the atmospheric appeal of the Italian horror film, the pleasure of a slasher pic, & a wittiness that ties it all together (this includes the double-twist ending), it’s also a nice variant on the succubus story, a tale we don’t get too often, even in a genre that relies so frequently on mythical figures.

nicked from [livejournal.com profile] angelicmousegrl:

You are Milk Chocolate

A total dreamer, you spend most of your time with your head in the clouds.
You often think of the future, and you are always working toward your ideal life.
Also nostalgic, you rarely forget a meaningful moment... even those from long ago.


Jan. 8th, 2006 01:19 am
japanesedream_72: (Default)
They lied. It was "Stargate SG-1", not "Farscape". Oh well, there were other goodies on.

Speaking of goodies, have a review.

Told you I'd let you know, Planetcrush. )

You are Neil Pye, a lanky, suicidal, and slightly
boring hippie. Not very bright, lentils and
karmic harmonies are the most important thing
in the world. You have quite a persecution

Which of The Young Ones are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
japanesedream_72: (Default)
I’m on a roll today! )

What Japanese music video are you living inside of?

You're living inside of the Cage video!

A ballerina comes across a deranged Japanese rockstar (who also happens to have an absolutely insane sort of foot fetish) in the middle of the forest. He takes her back to his place where he brutally mutilates her feet as he licks them. Then, she's set free to sit in a hall in pain and vomit while he fantasizes about her holding a bloody chicken. Other people suffer. There's more blood spewing. And, as this is all happening, a band plays in the background. Man, you're sick.

Personality Test Results

Click Here to Take This Quiz
Brought to you by YouThink.com quizzes and personality tests.

Damn. I gotta see that video.

EDIT: Have since seen that video (& plenty of others by them!). One of my favourites of all-time. ^_^
japanesedream_72: (Default)
Mo’s got some appointments today, so I’ve got the day off. Goody.

Come for the reviews, stay for the quizzes. )

Swiped from [livejournal.com profile] el_jefe59:

Sofia Coppola
Your film will be 55% romantic, 31% comedy, 33% complex plot, and a $ 34 million budget.
Relatively inexperienced (The Virgin Suicides, Lost In Translation) as a director, but already highly respected and connected -- her dad, Francis, directed all The Godfather movies, Apocolypse Now. Also, at last word she's dating Quentin Tarantino, so I'm sure he'll have some input into the substance of your film. Sofia's good at making the romantic drama that is your life. Who didn't have at least a lump in the throat at the end of Lost In Translation? She's already won one Academy Award for her writing, now she'll be the first woman to receive one for directing -- YOUR FILM!

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

free online dating free online dating
You scored higher than 99% on action-romance

free online dating free online dating
You scored higher than 99% on humor

free online dating free online dating
You scored higher than 99% on complexity

free online dating free online dating
You scored higher than 99% on budget
Link: The Director Who Films Your Life Test written by bingomosquito on OkCupid Free Online Dating

I was kinda hoping for Takashi Miike or David Lynch. Oh well. At least she’s related to the director of my #1 all-time favourite film.
japanesedream_72: (Default)
Went to chiro today, then to the bank & to the shopping centre to pick up the paper. After a light lunch at home, cut the grass - both front & back. What a workout! My grandpa was feeling pretty good today, so he got out the edger & trimmed up some of the bits I couldn’t reach.

Relaxed the rest of the day. Watched some baseball, talked to my mom. Made tofu & vegetable rice fajitas for dinner.

I’m still pooped, though, from all that lawnmower action. Time for some ice cream.

As promised, a review. )

That's unusual....
You're a red wolf. You're unusual and not seen very

What color wolf are you?
brought to you by Quizilla


Jan. 8th, 2005 11:34 am
japanesedream_72: (robot chick)
For lovers of MXC:

Which Takeshi's Castle Character are you?

Groovy movies... )

Say, did anyone hear about the new musical Eric Idle’s written? It’s based on “Monty Python & The Holy Grail” & is called “Spam-A-Lot”. Cast will include David Hyde Pierce, Simpsons voice actor Hank Azaria, & Tim Curry!!!

Check out these articles on the show:



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