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In the John Waters movie “Serial Mom”, there is a scene in which Kathleen Turner’s family realises she has left the house & thinks she is on her way to kill her son’s sex-addict friend. She’s really offing the couple who mocked her dentist husband (& gets further angered when she sees them eating chicken, considering her love for the little migrating birds she watches from her window every morning), but that’s beside the point. What I’m getting at is that when they bust into the son’s friend’s house, they find him engaging in an act of self-love inspired by one Chesty Morgan, & her movie “Double Agent 73” (http://imdb.com/title/tt0071437/).
A group of men, one of whom has a large birthmark on his face, are sitting around playing cards & such. Another gentleman, later identified as secret agent #99, sneaks in & begins hurriedly snooping around. At last, he finds what he’s been looking for - a hidden roll of microfilm. He swipes it & leaves, but is pursued, & gets bopped on the head. A shadowy figure, addressed by the others as Mr. Toplar, tells them to “get rid of him”.
Toplar’s guys take Agent 99 outside & try to put him in the trunk of their car. He fights them off & escapes. But as he’s running away, they strike him down with the car & drag him off the road. Someone finds him & asks who did this to him. With his dying breath, he says, “Toplar...scar,” & then collapses.
Cut to a beachy resort, where the vacationing Agent 73, Jane Genet (Chesty), is lounging. This is where we are first shown her incredible figure, including a lingering shot of her legs (after she’s removed her chunky platform shoes) & the first of many (many, many) tight close-ups of her magnificent bosom. (If you haven’t checked out the link, these mammoth mammaries are 73 double-F’s - likely giving rise to the film’s title.) Jane soon gets a call from her boss, Bill. He tells her she’ll have to cut short her holiday & fly to New York. Though she’s terribly angry about this, she consents, & meets with Bill (who makes rather pointed use of the word “imperative” throughout the film) to learn the details.
Seems there’s a heroin ring being headed by Toplar. But the good guys can’t catch him because they don’t know what he looks like (except for 99’s revelation that he has a scar). They do know that he’s got agents everywhere, some of which may even have infiltrated the agency Bill & Jane work for. The only concrete information they have are the names & addresses of a handful of Toplar’s informants & underlings, who are posing as legitimate businessmen. Jane’s assignment is to get as close as she can to these people (she is given a list), take them out if necessary, & photograph them & any documents she comes across. The goal is to get to Toplar & identify him.
But there’s a catch. She can’t take the pics with just any old camera. She’s given the use of the state-of-the-art, pressure-sensitive XL-17 model...which is implanted in one of her boobs. Bill warns her not to trust anyone, & gives her strict orders (for reasons I cannot divulge - but trust me, it’s way out there) to be back by March 11 at 10 pm. Beyond that, anything goes.
Taking heed of Bill’s advice, Jane is suspicious of the nurse in the recovery room after the implant surgery. Turns out her instincts are right, & she’d been dealing with one of Toplar’s associates. She ends up strangling the nurse & taking her photo by shifting one breast upward with her hand, thus enabling the camera to work.
Jane receives a coded message directing her to a club (an absolutely swingin’ place, in that wonderfully bad 70s way) where Mark Chiaro, another of Toplar’s guys, hangs out. She shares a drink with Mark & later blows the lock on the door to his hotel room with plastic explosive, & rifles through his things. Off comes the blouse, & she’s taking pics of all his papers. When he catches her, we find out those enormous breasts aren’t just for looks or cameras - they double as weaponry! She fwaps him in the face with one, inadvertently snapping his photo, & runs off whilst he’s down & dazed. But he’s soon up again, & this leads to a high-speed chase in some nifty 1970s cars.
Unfortunately, Jane gets caught & driven somewhere (it’s not really made clear where). Mark tells her to get out of the car, which she does. But she’s left a tiny explosive device in the vehicle...
Igor, the bad guy with the birthmark, gets a call - Mr. Toplar’s not at all pleased that there’s a woman making short work of all his men, & he wants her rubbed out. He doesn’t know who she is or what she looks like, but he knows roughly where she can be found. So Igor calls his pal Dimitri in to do the job.
Around this time, a friend of Jane’s comes over to spend a couple nights, & says she has something important she wants to talk to Jane about. Jane excuses herself to run some errands, & receives another coded message instructing her to meet a fellow agent, Atlantis 7, at the zoo at 3 pm. Meanwhile, Jane’s friend is taking a shower when Dimitri shows up & he, of course, mistakes her for Jane. What follows is a low-budget homage to (or perhaps rip-off of) “Psycho”, after which Jane returns to find her friend dead &, with no other recourse, goes to the zoo, where Atlantis 7 tells Jane he’s been sent by the boss to look after her.
As Jane continues on her mission to bump off the bad guys, & Atlantis 7 finds himself falling in love with Jane, Toplar & his gang finally figure out they’ve killed the wrong woman. So they decide to try again. Igor gets on to Dimitri, threatening, with a completely dead-pan delivery, “You’d better not muff it up this time, or it’s curtains for you.”
Okay, let’s be honest here. The storyline & characters of “Double Agent 73” (one of two Chesty Morgan movies directed by the late Doris Wishman) are a total afterthought. While the scenes in which Jane murders the members of Toplar’s syndicate are kind of a hoot (especially the one involving the poisoned boobie), & there are lots of humorous moments (bad clothes, bad lines, dizzying breast shots, & Atlantis 7 - who can pull off hammy & cheezy & a little bit corny, all at the same time), most people probably won’t care whether Toplar gets brought down or not. We all know this thing is just a vehicle for Chesty Morgan to get naked from the waist up & show off those freakishly huge assets of hers. They obviously don’t call the woman “Chesty” for nothing, & her bosom - which has made Ms. Morgan a cult icon - is as much the star of the picture as she is.
That’s not to say “Double Agent 73” isn’t a good movie. It may be a no-brainer, but it’s actually a whole lot of fun, particularly if you’re in the mood for campy, culty, low-budget, large-breasted, no-thought-necessary-but-suspend-your-disbelief-anyway sort of stuff. Though I guarantee you’ll spend less time trying to follow the plot & more time wondering how Chesty manages to get any sleep, or how she can function without the constant aid of a chiropractor.
( I stole this from a couple people... )
A group of men, one of whom has a large birthmark on his face, are sitting around playing cards & such. Another gentleman, later identified as secret agent #99, sneaks in & begins hurriedly snooping around. At last, he finds what he’s been looking for - a hidden roll of microfilm. He swipes it & leaves, but is pursued, & gets bopped on the head. A shadowy figure, addressed by the others as Mr. Toplar, tells them to “get rid of him”.
Toplar’s guys take Agent 99 outside & try to put him in the trunk of their car. He fights them off & escapes. But as he’s running away, they strike him down with the car & drag him off the road. Someone finds him & asks who did this to him. With his dying breath, he says, “Toplar...scar,” & then collapses.
Cut to a beachy resort, where the vacationing Agent 73, Jane Genet (Chesty), is lounging. This is where we are first shown her incredible figure, including a lingering shot of her legs (after she’s removed her chunky platform shoes) & the first of many (many, many) tight close-ups of her magnificent bosom. (If you haven’t checked out the link, these mammoth mammaries are 73 double-F’s - likely giving rise to the film’s title.) Jane soon gets a call from her boss, Bill. He tells her she’ll have to cut short her holiday & fly to New York. Though she’s terribly angry about this, she consents, & meets with Bill (who makes rather pointed use of the word “imperative” throughout the film) to learn the details.
Seems there’s a heroin ring being headed by Toplar. But the good guys can’t catch him because they don’t know what he looks like (except for 99’s revelation that he has a scar). They do know that he’s got agents everywhere, some of which may even have infiltrated the agency Bill & Jane work for. The only concrete information they have are the names & addresses of a handful of Toplar’s informants & underlings, who are posing as legitimate businessmen. Jane’s assignment is to get as close as she can to these people (she is given a list), take them out if necessary, & photograph them & any documents she comes across. The goal is to get to Toplar & identify him.
But there’s a catch. She can’t take the pics with just any old camera. She’s given the use of the state-of-the-art, pressure-sensitive XL-17 model...which is implanted in one of her boobs. Bill warns her not to trust anyone, & gives her strict orders (for reasons I cannot divulge - but trust me, it’s way out there) to be back by March 11 at 10 pm. Beyond that, anything goes.
Taking heed of Bill’s advice, Jane is suspicious of the nurse in the recovery room after the implant surgery. Turns out her instincts are right, & she’d been dealing with one of Toplar’s associates. She ends up strangling the nurse & taking her photo by shifting one breast upward with her hand, thus enabling the camera to work.
Jane receives a coded message directing her to a club (an absolutely swingin’ place, in that wonderfully bad 70s way) where Mark Chiaro, another of Toplar’s guys, hangs out. She shares a drink with Mark & later blows the lock on the door to his hotel room with plastic explosive, & rifles through his things. Off comes the blouse, & she’s taking pics of all his papers. When he catches her, we find out those enormous breasts aren’t just for looks or cameras - they double as weaponry! She fwaps him in the face with one, inadvertently snapping his photo, & runs off whilst he’s down & dazed. But he’s soon up again, & this leads to a high-speed chase in some nifty 1970s cars.
Unfortunately, Jane gets caught & driven somewhere (it’s not really made clear where). Mark tells her to get out of the car, which she does. But she’s left a tiny explosive device in the vehicle...
Igor, the bad guy with the birthmark, gets a call - Mr. Toplar’s not at all pleased that there’s a woman making short work of all his men, & he wants her rubbed out. He doesn’t know who she is or what she looks like, but he knows roughly where she can be found. So Igor calls his pal Dimitri in to do the job.
Around this time, a friend of Jane’s comes over to spend a couple nights, & says she has something important she wants to talk to Jane about. Jane excuses herself to run some errands, & receives another coded message instructing her to meet a fellow agent, Atlantis 7, at the zoo at 3 pm. Meanwhile, Jane’s friend is taking a shower when Dimitri shows up & he, of course, mistakes her for Jane. What follows is a low-budget homage to (or perhaps rip-off of) “Psycho”, after which Jane returns to find her friend dead &, with no other recourse, goes to the zoo, where Atlantis 7 tells Jane he’s been sent by the boss to look after her.
As Jane continues on her mission to bump off the bad guys, & Atlantis 7 finds himself falling in love with Jane, Toplar & his gang finally figure out they’ve killed the wrong woman. So they decide to try again. Igor gets on to Dimitri, threatening, with a completely dead-pan delivery, “You’d better not muff it up this time, or it’s curtains for you.”
Okay, let’s be honest here. The storyline & characters of “Double Agent 73” (one of two Chesty Morgan movies directed by the late Doris Wishman) are a total afterthought. While the scenes in which Jane murders the members of Toplar’s syndicate are kind of a hoot (especially the one involving the poisoned boobie), & there are lots of humorous moments (bad clothes, bad lines, dizzying breast shots, & Atlantis 7 - who can pull off hammy & cheezy & a little bit corny, all at the same time), most people probably won’t care whether Toplar gets brought down or not. We all know this thing is just a vehicle for Chesty Morgan to get naked from the waist up & show off those freakishly huge assets of hers. They obviously don’t call the woman “Chesty” for nothing, & her bosom - which has made Ms. Morgan a cult icon - is as much the star of the picture as she is.
That’s not to say “Double Agent 73” isn’t a good movie. It may be a no-brainer, but it’s actually a whole lot of fun, particularly if you’re in the mood for campy, culty, low-budget, large-breasted, no-thought-necessary-but-suspend-your-disbelief-anyway sort of stuff. Though I guarantee you’ll spend less time trying to follow the plot & more time wondering how Chesty manages to get any sleep, or how she can function without the constant aid of a chiropractor.
( I stole this from a couple people... )
